


The Hardest Part

by NuclearWraith



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Tentabulges, Trans Female Character, Trans Rose Lalonde
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-05 13:57:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10309700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NuclearWraith/pseuds/NuclearWraith
Summary: Rose/Kanaya fic, told from Rose's point of view. Second person, present tense. Focus on transgender issues and openness in a relationship. Mild smut with some transy feelings and other emotions.





	1. Chapter 1

Your name is ROSE LALONDE; You are a human female of about EIGHTEEN YEARS OF AGE, of a QUIET and INTROVERTED DISPOSITION. You are prone to SARCASM and, at times you have been accused of OVER-ELOQUENCE. You are currently standing in your room, your mind preoccupied with the day’s events - specifically, you have just come home from being asked on what you’re pretty sure is a DATE this weekend by your friend KANAYA MARYAM, who you have been fostering the biggest, guiltiest crush for over the last few weeks of knowing her.

While you are ecstatic about this development, and you really are, as is evidenced by your uncharacteristic bouncing around your room for the last few minutes since you got home, you do feel a sense of trepidation tugging at you. There are certain things Kanaya does not know about you, and while you hope she would be accepting of them it is also possible these revelations could cause her to reevaluate her feelings about you. 

You see, you are transgender - That is to say, incorrectly and quite disastrously assigned male at birth, a mistake which you have now rectified, though it has taken great effort over the last few years. Outside of your family & oldest friends, not many people know about this and assume you were never anything but a girl, a societal position which you have worked towards quite hard and are very reluctant to compromise.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Dave.  
TT: The unthinkable has transpired.  
TT: I need a game plan.  
TT: Now.  
TG: yeah hi nice to see you too rose  
TG: my day was good  
TG: im well  
TT: Yes, hello it is nice to see you  
TT: I’m sure your day was lovely  
TT: I’m glad you’ve managed to avoid developing leukemia, or being involved in any horrifically mutilating accidents.  
TT: And other token pleasantries   
TT: On to the unthinkable  
TG: yeah  
TG: let me narrow this down  
TG: either  
TG: kanaya asked you out  
TG: or alternatively you somehow managed to ask her out   
TT: The former.  
TT: Obviously. Unless we’ve moved into some different universe.  
TT: How did you guess that?  
TG: there's just a few pieces of evidence   
TG: if you’ll follow me into my museum of rose lalonde being a massive ridiculous sapphic disaster  
TG: exhibit a: you haven’t stopped talking about her like constantly since you two met  
TG: i talk to you every day it's insufferable  
TG: im pretty sure you’ve got fanfiction about her tucked away under your bed or something  
TT: The existence or nonexistence of my Kanaya Maryam fics is not important.  
TG: exhibit b: according to karkat, she’s pretty much the same  
TG: to quote  
  
CG: LIKE FUCKING HELL  
CG: LALONDE THIS  
CG: LALONDE THAT  
CG: YEAH ROSE LIKES FOOD TOO  
CG: ROSE LIKES TO BREATHE  
CG: IT'S EMBARRASSING TO WITNESS   
CG: ASK HER OUT ALREADY  
  
TT: I’m sure she’s more dignified than that.  
TT: But that is very sweet.  
TG: yes he is  
TT: That’s not who I meant  
TG: it's what I meant  
TT:   
TG:  
TG: me and him have been betting on how long this was going to take anyway  
TT: I’m not sure how to feel about that.  
TT: Which one of you has emerged the victor?   
TG: you’re looking at him  
TG: i guessed this week, he wanted to give it another couple  
TG: suck on that karkat  
TT: Ew.  
TT: Does he now have to surrender his firstborn child?  
TT: Perhaps he needs to choose a limb to part with  
TG: one of those  
TG: anyway  
TG: why do you need a   
TG: ‘game plan’  
TG: wait what did she ask you out to do  
TG: are you going paintballing or something  
TG: are you playing risk  
TG: always start in north america  
TT: No.  
TT: I mean about  
TT: She doesn’t know I’m trans.   
TG: oh  
TG: right  
TG: why would she even care  
TT: Why wouldn’t she?  
TG: trolls don’t have the same ideas of gender as we do for starters  
TG: they don’t even have being gay or straight as a thing  
TT: Well  
TT: Kanaya has already made clear she has departed from the orthodox troll bisexuality.   
TT: She likes girls.  
TT: I’m just worried if she knew.  
TT: She’d feel like I mislead her.   
TT: Or  
TT: She wouldn’t see me as a woman any more.  
TG: you know that’s not how she’s going to see it  
TG: we are talking about the same kanaya here right  
TG: like really  
TG: she’ll be fine, i promise  
TT: How do I even tell her?  
TG: look  
TG: im not gonna pretend to be the expert  
TG: like im really not  
TG: but i’m sure that however you end up saying it you cant fuck it up that bad that kanaya-motherfucking-maryam gets all phobic on your ass  
TG: its gonna be good  
TT: Ugh.  
TT: Yeah. It probably will be.  
TT: Thank you, Dave.  
TG: no problem  


tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

Dave’s dubiously comforting reassurances do little to soothe your nerves, but he’s really the only one you can talk to about this. John and Jade wouldn’t _get_ it, and you don’t really feel like going to your sister with your girl troubles. Dave has been your confidant for matters such as this for a long time; You really don’t thank him enough, though you think you’ve been working off your debt by listening to his increasingly homoromantic bleatings about Karkat.

Worries only partially eased, you spend the next few days wrestling with mixed feelings of excitement and trepidation. Lots of trepidation.

When the day comes, you wake up early at seven in the morning to shower and get everything ready hours beforehand, even though she isn’t coming until 11:30. You pace around your room, try and fail to read, and even pick up your old violin to distract yourself - You’re really rusty. It’s gonna be fine, you reassure yourself. You tell yourself to stop freaking out. It’s just Kanaya; you know her.

Finally you are delivered from this neurotic hell that makes you feel what you imagine being Eridan is like, and you hear the doorbell ring. You practically race to get it.

As soon as the front door swings open and you see her, the intrusive panicky thoughts that have been racing around your head for the last few hours dissolve in an instant.

“Hello, Rose.” She says, smiling. 

“Hi, Kanaya.” 

She looks lovely standing there on your doorstep, wearing a black shirt and a red dress that reaches her ankles. Poking out from her short curly black hair are two pointy little horns which you find surprisingly cute and endearing for biological implements usually used violently. She’s wearing the same dark green lipstick as always, against which her plain white fangs stand out. 

You realise you’ve been awkwardly staring at her for probably too long.

“Ah- Sorry. Would you like to go?” 

“We’re in no hurry.” She waves to an unseen figure behind you, standing on her tiptoes a bit. 

Roxy gives you a thumbs up and a subtle _wonk_ with her eyebrows as she walks past. You roll your eyes. “Let’s go, I think.” 

Grabbing your bag, you follow her to her car and get in. It apparently belongs to her older sister but you can tell the coat of paint is definitely Kanaya’s doing. It’s only a ten minute drive to the theatre and once you’re there she ropes you into complicity with her scheme of smuggling in food from the shop around the corner instead of purchasing from the overpriced store in the cinema.

You’re seeing a remake of an old horror film you’re a fan of, on your insistence. Kanaya seems to go along with it though you get the feeling it’s not her type of film. You wonder what is. Your seats are towards the back, and it doesn’t take 20 minutes into the movie for your hands to end up intertwined on the armrest and your head leaning against her shoulder. She leaps a bit at the scares and it’s kind of adorable. 

After the movie you’re both hungry and end up in a diner nearby, getting in just as it starts to rain outside. The seating isn’t roomy enough so her long legs press up against yours under the table. You quietly people-watch for a few moments as people pass by on the street outside.  
Kanaya orders for both of you, and you spend the time just talking about a wide variety of topics as you do on most days. You knew she was into fashion, but apparently she makes what she wears most of the time - Now, even. She offers to make something for you sometime - _if she can get your measurements_ \- and you blush. She probes about your hobbies and you end up mentioning your creative writing projects and that maybe some of it is fanfiction for books you like, which you tactfully avoid naming, but she says she’d like to read your work sometime anyway. You say you’ll see what you can do and smile. The conversation moves to acquaintances and you feign surprise that the Dave guy her friend Karkat spends all his time with now is your best friend. 

Hours pass, the rain patters down, people come and go. You spend a long time just looking at Kanaya Maryam as she speaks about everything. Eventually your food comes, and Kanaya teases you for your slightly subpar table manners. Apparently eating with your mouth open is not ladylike - that one stings probably more than she intends. She apologises with concern when you look so put out, and reassures you you should see her sister. You can believe it. She is, of course, completely delicate & refined. _As you’d expect._

After you’re done with the food, neither of you says anything for a bit. You rest your head against your arm, looking out the window where the sun is going down, and the rain is still gently flecking against the windows. Most people have filed out from the diner at this point, and you two are the only ones left in this corner of the room at least. She’ll probably drive you home after this - if you’re going to tell her, now would be the time. 

She rubs your hand with her thumb, suddenly jerking you back to reality. You realise you’ve just been staring out the window. You turn to her, thinking of how to start but stall.

“You look like you’re about to say something.” 

You swallow dryly. Here goes. 

“Kanaya, I-” you start, and then your voice catches in your throat and the words won’t come. “I, uhm.” Oh god. Your voice is trembling a bit. “I am, that is-”

She smiles at you so sweetly and you just want to curl up and vanish. “Take your time, Rose.”

You become blisteringly aware of all the other people still in the diner. You feel something rise in your throat as you think about the first time you came out to somebody - Your sister. You cried. “I.. had a really nice time. Today. With you.” you finally say, taking the easy way out.

She raises her eyebrows in bemusement at your anticlimactic conclusion, before pressing her lips into a line and furrowing her brow ever so slightly. “I see. I am glad you did.” She can totally tell something’s up, but doesn’t seem intent on pushing the issue so she just squeezes your hand.

She quickly sets things right by bringing up some other topic, probably able to tell something’s bothering you and wanting to put your mind at ease. Your worries melt away. Afterwards she drives you home, and in her car she gives you a parting kiss before you get out. You’re glad it’s dark because you’re smiling like an idiot and she hopefully cannot see. 

As soon as you’re in the door you are beset upon by Roxy, who you barely manage to extricate yourself from. You get back to your room unscathed. Flipping open your laptop you get a pesterchum notification within minutes.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: how did it go  
TT: I  
TT: I didn’t tell her.  
TG: how did it go  
TT: The date? Oh, lovely. She’s very wonderful. We saw a movie and then went out to eat.  
TT: She designs all her clothes herself.  
TT: Also she mentioned Karkat. He apparently spends all his time with you and it’s insufferable.  
TG: sounds about right  
TG: heh  
TT: I should tell her.  
TG: you’re really  
TG: no fun all business lalonde today  
TG: aren’t you  
TG: isn’t it her birthday in a few weeks anyway  
TG: you should knit her a trans flag scarf or something  
TG: boom two birds one stone  
TT: ‘Wriggling Day’ in troll nomenclature, I believe.  
TG: dont you start  
TG: same thing  
TT: I’m not sure she would be familiar with the symbolism anyway.  
TT: I just don’t want to take too long and for her to feel misled when it does come out. When I come out.  
TG: you wouldn’t be misleading her   
TG: get outta here with that shit  
TG: you know that’s not how it is  
TT: Yes, okay.  
TT: I do need to tell her.  
TT: I nearly did today, but I froze up in the end and I just couldn’t.   
TT: She definitely knows something’s wrong.   
TT: What if she already noticed my adams apple or something off with my voice?  
TT: Oh god  
TT: Oh god  
TT: She totally noticed  
TG: lalonde  
TG: when was the last time you were clocked  
TT: Six months ago?  
TG: ten months ago  
TG: i remember  
TG: trust me  
TG: she didn’t notice  
TT: No. Okay, I’m being stupid.  
TG: yeah, really  
TG: she’s a fucking alien you really think she even knows what an adam's apple is any more than you know anything about troll anatomy  
TG: case in point  
TG: do you know what a ganderbulb is   
TG: hell no  
TT: That sounds salacious.   
TT: And yeah  
TT: I’m just worried about fucking this up.  
TG: i understand  
TG: really though  
TG: enjoy yourself  
TG: when you do tell her  
TG: i can guarantee it won’t change anything  
TT: Thanks, Dave.  


tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

You let out a long sigh, and lean back in your chair, your mind awash with a mix of happiness and the lingering thought at the back of your head - _You need to tell her._ You take a shower to stop yourself thinking so much, and tell Roxy about your day over dinner. Later that night, just before you’re about to shut off your computer and sleep, you come back to your laptop to find a pesterchum notification waiting for you, the window hovering there on your desktop. 

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]

GA: I Had A Lovely Day Today, Rose.  
GA: I Hope I Will See You Again Soon.  
GA: <3  
TT: I did too.  
TT: Goodnight, Kanaya~  
TT: <3  


tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering  grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

You wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze tight. A warm feeling fills you, and you can’t stop smiling as you crawl into bed and drift off into blackness, somehow feeling that despite everything - It’s going to be okay.


	2. Chapter 2

You’re lying on Kanaya’s bed with her wrapped around you as the big spoon, her breath warm on the back of your neck.

Some time has passed since your first date, and you two have gotten to know each other quite a bit better - how she paradoxically seems to like you the _more_ she knows about you, you have no idea but you aren’t about to complain. You’ve gotten pretty familiar with her room lately, which is colourful and covered in bookshelves & flower vases. She has thankfully eschewed some of the sleeping habits of other members of her race for a more human-like bed - the idea of trying to snuggle in those slime cocoon things sounds kinda gross, you think.

You spent most of the day today out together, but now you’re exhausted and just somehow you’ve ended up here - surely a coincidence, and most definitely not down to any of Kanaya Maryam’s machinations to lure you back to her house.

She reaches her arm up around you to stroke your hair, petting it for a minute before running her fingers down to your neck. They linger there for a minute, along your shoulders and you feel her hand trace down along your side and loop around your waist. You push your body back into hers, and she breathes in sharply - Oh gosh.

Her hand slips under your shirt, her fingers run around your bare stomach in circles, and you flinch from the sudden cold. Trolls lack much of a human’s natural body warmth, as you two have recently discovered.

“Stop.” You mumble barely audibly under your breath, only half-meaning it.

She cranes her head up to kiss down your neck, letting out a little ‘hmm?’ to say she didn’t hear you. You feel her fangs brush against your skin ever so slightly.

“Kanaya.. Stop.” You say, louder, and more forcefully.

She withdraws her hand immediately, and pulls back from your neck. “I-I’m sorry. Did I make you uncomfortable?”

You sit up, pulling away from her. “No, it’s not that.” You stop, going silent. You look over your shoulder. Kanaya, still lying down, meets your gaze. Her expression betrays her hurt and confusion. You realise how sharply you’ve been speaking. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Rose.” she sits up, coming over next to you. Your legs dangle over the edge of the bed. “Are you not comfortable with... This kind of contact? With somebody like me? I understand if you are not.” the hurt in her voice is palpable, and it makes your heart break a bit with every syllable.

“No, it’s okay, I like it, it’s just-” Oh god. “Kanaya, I- There’s something I need to tell you.” Your voice wavers and softly breaks.

“You can tell me, whatever it is that’s bothering you.” She rubs your arm soothingly, looking at you with a mixture of care & reserved concern.

You’re quiet for a few moments, chewing on your lip and thinking of how best to express yourself. _Oh god. This is the moment._ You try not to think about how she’ll react as you gather your thoughts in a way you can actually vocalise.

You look straight forwards at her floor, avoiding her gaze. Your throat feels dry as you start to speak. “I don’t know how familiar you are with this topic - I’m not sure if Trolls have an equivalent. When.. When I was born, they said I was a boy - And that’s how I was, for a time. But I realised I wasn’t, and I’m not - I know that now, and I’m a girl.” Kanaya maintains her look of quiet concern & warmth, rubbing your arm still. She doesn’t seem taken aback or disgusted if she is. “It’s just... As a result of this biological misunderstanding, parts of my anatomy do not yet match what a human female would typically possess.”

She doesn’t say anything, and instead wraps her arms around you and hugs you tight, pulling you against her. You bury your face in her shoulder and her hand moves to the back of your head, stroking your hair softly.

“I’m sorry, I was going to tell you sooner, on our first date, but-” You start to tear up, and your vision blurs.

“Shhh.” Her hand runs up and down your back soothingly. “There is nothing to apologise for, dear.”

“You’re not... Angry? Or upset?” You almost gasp with relief.

She inclines her head down to look at you, confusion in her eyes. “Rose, why would I be angry?”

“That I didn’t tell you sooner. I was worried you’d feel like... Like I mislead you.”

“Rose...” She straightens herself, and places her hand underneath your chin, tilting your head so you meet her eyes. Your vision is still blurry, and you’re blushing a bit as she gazes back at you with her amber eyes. She takes a deep breath. “Rose. You haven’t mislead me - You’re the same Rose Lalonde I know and who is so important to me, and this doesn’t change a thing. Nothing you say could make me think less of you, especially nothing like this. I love you, and that’s never going to change because of anything about your body.”

No other words she could have said would have put you more at ease. “I love you too.” You feel her arms wrap around your waist, as she pulls you into a warm embrace. “I love you, Kanaya.” you reiterate, and she squeezes you tight.

Her lips press into your hair and she exhales a deep, happy-sounding sigh. Her chin rests on top of your head, and her finger traces a line up and down your arm as she thinks.

After pausing for a minute, she continues. “And, as for your anatomy.. I am not familiar either way with human physiology, so I have not had any preconceptions. But I understand if your insecurities about your body make you reluctant to be intimate with me. Even if you would never like to, Rose - That’s okay.”

“I would.” you lean into her, pressing your body against hers. “With you.”

“I would too.” Your hands intertwine in her lap. She tilts her head down to yours and kisses you deeply. Your head falls onto her shoulder and she loops her arm around you, her hand circling around to pet your hair soothingly.

Suddenly you feel all your emotions come bubbling up through the cracks, and the tears start to come. You start to shake and cry, and she pulls you into her lap. “Rose..”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ve just been so worried about how you’d react, and-” She cuts you off with a tight embrace.

“Shhh. We had a long day. It’s okay.” She brings her face down to yours and you can feel her lips on your cheeks, brushing your tears away, melting away into her as she holds you tight. It’s been so long since you said any of this to anyone, since you had to go back and dig all of this up. You’re choking up and crying and shaking as all the old memories come flooding back.

_You’re eleven years old and aren’t really sure what’s different about you from everybody else your age, but something definitely is. You just feel so isolated, and so alone._

_You’re thirteen years old and finally make some friends, who make you feel valid and wanted by other people for the first time. Online, of course, not in real life. In real life everything keeps getting worse, and you keep retreating further into yourself._

_You’re fourteen years old and starting to realise you don’t like what’s happening to your body any more. The only person you tell about this is Dave, who’s surprisingly understanding & receptive. You find some resources online and start to realise what might be wrong with you. _

_You’re fifteen years old and you’re sure now you aren’t a boy. The first person you tell in real life is your sister - You both cry and she tells you she thought something might be wrong already. She asks you if there’s a name you’d prefer - for the first time somebody calls you Rose._

_You’re sixteen years old and decide to tell the rest of your friends. You’re overwhelmed by how much they actually understand and accept you. Others are less accepting, at school, in your extended family. You start actively transitioning - It’s hard, as it always is. Some nights you wonder if you’re going to make it at all._

You come back to reality, and realise you’re safe, in the arms of a girl you love, who loves you despite everything about you, nobody’s going to hurt you any more, and it’s all okay. Kanaya is gently brushing away your tears, whispering soothing words in your ear - _It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay_ \- She holds you tight until your shaking ceases, and you fall back onto the bed together, completely lost in her.

Soon you’re curled up with her in the sheets listening to her gentle breathing. Your panic and fear dissipates, and you feel so stupid for worrying at all. Her arms wrap around you, holding you to her. “I love you,” you hear her mumble into your hair as you’re on the very edge of sleep. Too exhausted to reply, you just squeeze her hand tight. Your limbs feel like jelly, your mind complete slush. The hardest part is over now, it would seem. Everything goes fuzzy, and blackness soon comes to take you.

 

Eyes still shut, you hear the door creak open, Kanaya’s footsteps pattering across the room, and feel the pressure of her sitting down next to you on the bed. You’re pulled back into the waking world as she runs a hand down your cheek, gently jostling you awake. Your eyes open slowly, and you see you’re wrapped up in the covers, your head against her pillow - Kanaya must have put you into bed after you fell asleep. You’ve always been a heavy sleeper, and after that it’s no wonder you didn’t notice a thing. For a brief, strange moment you wonder if that was all just an idealistic dream, and you fell asleep cuddling without any of those words being said. The thought vanishes just as easily as it came as soon as you hear her voice, speaking in her sweet dulcet tones.

“Rose, darling, it’s only 6PM.” She says softly, her head cocked to one side.

“How long was I asleep for?” You ask drowsily, stretching out your arms.

“Only thirty minutes. I made you some hot chocolate.” She places the steaming mug on the bedside table, her hand returning to stroke your hair.

“You’re too sweet. Thank you.” Your words elicit a blush from her - it’s adorable when she does that, and it’s so easy to prompt too.

You take the mug and lean back against the headboard, quietly sipping at the hot chocolate and just looking at Kanaya Maryam. She’s gone over to the corner of the room where there’s a sewing machine, and she’s working away on some project or another. You’ve only been lucky enough a few times, but watching her work is a rare pleasure. Through her half-open curtains the orange-gold rays of the sun going down filter into the room, a beam resting squarely on Kanaya’s back as she _click-click-clicks_ away at the sewing machine. You drink from your mug, just quietly and contentedly soaking in the moment’s ephemeral beauty while it lasts. You are so in love you can’t stand it.

Eventually, you finish your hot chocolate and reluctantly place the mug back on the side table with an audible noise. With that, the spell is broken, and that transient moment of perfect stillness vanishes forever. Apparently taking this as her signal, Kanaya finishes up her stitching and looks over her shoulder at you; “Hey - do you want to make some dinner together?”

“Yeah, let’s do that.” You reply, finding the strength to pull yourself out of bed, if only to be closer to her.

You two make lasagna together in her kitchen, Kanaya doing most of the work and you helping out where you can. She’s a far better cook, you’ll admit. When the meal is ready, you go to eat with her sister Porrim - who does, it turns out, have pretty bad table manners - she inquires about your day and what you two have been up to. She’s like a parallel Roxy almost, it’s uncanny.

You end up watching a movie with her & Porrim, who gets a call and needs to leave halfway through, but you don’t really mind since now the two of you can unabashedly cuddle on her couch. The movie fades away into background noise like static as you cover each other with kisses and curl up in one another’s arms. It’s late now, and it seems you’re not going to have any choice but to stay over - woe be to you.

Kanaya manages to take advantage of your tired self to persuade you to let her carry you up to her room, which she does with surprising ease. She flops you down on the bed and the two of you cling to one another desperately, hands running all over each other. By now though you’re too tired to do anything more so you just lie and listen to her breathing, face pressed into her hair and bodies curled against one another.

Eventually you muster the strength to slip into your pajamas and crawl under the covers with her. She wraps her arms around you, pulling you close and telling you she loves you, and, god, you love her too. You fall asleep that night in her arms, and as your consciousness melts away you’re guided into sleep by the heat of her breath on your face, the warmth of your legs entwined together under the sheets, and the rare, deep, contented pleasure of everything in the current moment being completely wonderful.

_It’s all okay._


	3. Chapter 3

Again, you have managed to end up with Kanaya Maryam on your bed. How this keeps happening, you truly have no idea. You’d spent the day out with Dave and Karkat, an arrangement in which they had spent the whole time aggressively insisting was not under any circumstances anything even vaguely resembling a double-date scenario. You remain unconvinced.

Eventually you and them went your separate ways, and the two of you just about managed to meander your way back home - with your Mother away for the weekend, and Roxy working late. As summer fades into memory, the days are getting shorter and shorter and the prospect of her spending the night looms inevitable - how tragic.

Your room is quite different from hers, which is open, airy, and colourful in comparison. You’ve had it since you were 14, so it’s getting pretty small these days - your desk is a mess of books, papers, pills, knitting supplies and other miscellanea under which your laptop is barely visible. The bookcase was full up long ago so there’s been spillover with tomes piling up on the floor. You probably come off a lot more well-read than you really are, since half of these are just your mother’s books which you keep for her. It’s not a bad aura to cultivate, nonetheless. The sole natural light source of the room - though it’s nearly dark out by now - is a window above your bed which backs onto the forest behind your house, a lone bird lazily pecking away at the feeder you set up on the windowsill. Your old violin which you’ve been practicing again recently is propped up atop a chair in the corner, and apparently catches Kanaya’s eye.

You had been lying quietly on your bed, your face pressed into her hair, when she sits up suddenly, extricating herself gently from your arms. You look up at her, seeing her eyes fixed firmly across the room. “Do you think you could...” She pauses and chews her lip for a second. “Play for me? On your violin?” she points to it for emphasis.

“Of course, gladly.” You smile, getting up, and sidle across the room.  You gracefully lift your violin and habitually tweak its strings. “I’ve been practicing again lately, actually.”

“Had you fallen out of practice?”

“I haven’t played regularly since I was 16. I used to be quite good, though. I was in a school concert once.” You shuffle through a pile of old sheet music, searching for anything that might inspire confidence. “Hmm. What should I play?”

“Do you have a favourite? I’m afraid human instrumental music isn’t my forte.”

“Hmmm.” You flick through a sheet music book, before a song finally catches your eye. “Okay, yeah, this will do. _Moon River_. It used to be one of my favourite pieces.”

You take the book and crawl back onto the bed next to Kanaya. You settle in beside her before placing the violin against your neck and gingerly drawing the bow back and forth across the strings. You ineptly attempt to keep the sheet book open in your lap.

“Um, could you-” She giggles and takes the book to hold it up for you, moving closer as she does so. “Thanks.”

After scanning the first few lines, you launch straight in and hope to rely on muscle memory. This proves to be over-optimistic as you mess up on the third line down. Chewing your lip, you take a moment to glance over the whole piece, reviewing the parts you don’t remember so well before starting over again.

This time you play it correctly. You begin low and symphonic before launching into higher, faster draws of the bow. It’s a subdued piece, slow and melancholic and almost sad, but maybe some of that’s just your interpretation. Kanaya watches you quietly while you play, holding the sheet music steady. Her eyes follow your slender, pale fingers as they draw the bow back and forth across the strings - you feel more pressured to impress this audience than any you’ve had before. Finally you reach the penultimate few slides of the bow, drawing it gently, slowly across the strings with a prolonged, shrill whine before it fades into silence. Three minutes after you’d begun, you bring the violin down to rest on your lap.

She squeezes your thigh as you wrap up, placing the sheet music on the bed and clapping when you’re done. “That was really good, Rose.” You think you’re almost blushing, and judging by the smirk on her face it’s visible.

“Thank you - I haven’t done that piece in a while, and that went better than most of my practice sessions recently.”  

“I’m glad.” She looks thoughtful for a second. “Who wrote it? And what’s it about?”

“It was for an old movie, I think. And-” You pause, trying to remember anything your old tutor might have mentioned about the piece. “It doesn’t have any words, but I think it’s about wanderlust - the composer felt stuck in their little bubble, and wanted to go travel the world.”

“Hmmm.” She looks like she didn’t really register what you said, her mind somewhere else, her glazed-over eyes staring past your shoulder. She eventually looks back to you, “You look very pleased with yourself.”

She’s right, you _are_ smiling - a rare sight, though perhaps less rare lately. “Maybe I am, hmm?” You cock your head at her.

She looks at you almost blankly for a moment, then something sparks behind her eyes and she leans forward and kisses you so hard you nearly fall over. You just barely manage to get the violin down on the floor by the bed before her hand comes to grip your shoulder, steadying you.

“Kanaya, dear, I’m going to bruise.” you say mockingly once she’s broken away, but it’s only a moment before she cuts you off again. Suddenly you’ve fallen away onto your back and you’re underneath her on the bed. She’s on top of you, and her lips are on your neck and your collarbone and her fingers are running through your hair.

“Kanaya, fuck-” She peppers your neck with kisses, fangs brushing tantalizingly close to your skin. Your hands grip her hips and pull her even closer to you. She works her way up to the side of your head, and whispers softly in your ear, “Sorry, but you’re just really very beautiful. I can’t help myself.”

Every fibre of you is tingling and you press your body against hers, eliciting a moan that’s muffled by your neck. You’ve never seen her like this before, and you find yourself contrasting her typically calm and proper demeanor with the supple, quivering flesh you feel pressing against your body. Your hands wrap around her waist, legs entangling themselves with hers. She breaks away from you gently, and shifts her weight on top of you, pinning you down by your waist with her body. After looking over you for a moment with a contented look on her face, her nimble grey fingers reach to tug off your hairband, which she then quickly discards.

“There we go.” She smiles.

You giggle and she comes back down to kiss you, rolling both of you onto your side. Her lips are all over you, and her hands slip under your shirt onto your bare stomach, her finger running in circles around your bellybutton. She pulls away from your face, tracing kisses down your shoulders and sliding down against you, pressing her lips to your skin. _Mmmhohgod._ Your hand reaches down and tangles into her hair, stroking at the base of her horns.

You feel her hands at the hems of your shirt now, her lips against your stomach - she glances up at you with a look in her eyes, as if to ask, and you nod desperately. Your shirt is only half-off, pulled up over your chest, but her hands are on your hips and she’s already kissing your breasts.

Pulling back, you extricate yourself from your top and suddenly feel almost bashful. Your breasts are still pretty small and underdeveloped, by both of your species’ standards - Kanaya doesn’t seem to mind however, and she kisses and nibbles your chest, making you gasp and squirm as she leaves red-purple marks on your skin.

She sits back to look at you for a moment, folding her legs under her and her hands onto her knees. “Your breasts are very cute.” She says matter-of-factly, cocking her head to one side ever so slightly.

“They’re kinda small.” You say quietly, blushing as you reflexively begin to cover yourself.

“Mmm, precisely.” She leans forward, kissing you and pulling your hands from your chest. Her palm cups your breast and her thumb flicks across your nipple, drawing a gasp from you. “Adorable.”

“Shut up,” You whisper back to her with a slight giggle, and find your hands wrapping around her waist, shifting her shirt up. Her lips press into your now bare neck and collarbones, tracing down a line to your breasts - your legs wrap around her, and she buries her face against your chest for a moment.

Her fingers trace a circle around your areolas, making you shudder and press your face into her hair. Your chest rises and falls against hers. Her touch elicits a series of gasps from you and makes your knees buckle. You writhe, contracting your muscles, and your legs curl around her.

“You’re very sensitive, aren’t you Rose?” You can practically hear the smirk in her voice, though you can’t see it with her face pressed into you.

You swat her the top of her head lightly with your hand, chastising her. “Shush - it almost sounds like you’re complaining.”

“Hmm, no, definitely not.” She cranes her head up and kisses your neck deeply, before moving on to your mouth.

Without slipping out of your arms, her hands move to the hems of her black t-shirt and you find yourself reaching to help her remove her garment. You pull it over her head, pressing a kiss into her forehead as she pops out the other side of the shirt. She spares you the trouble by unhooking her bra herself, and the clothing is discarded alongside the rest.

Her breasts are - unsurprisingly - larger than yours, round, and grey like the rest of her skin. Her areolas are a blend of her natural grey pigment and a jade colouring, and her nipples are almost emerald.

Your arms wrap around her waist, hands linking together behind her back at the base of her spine, and you lean forward into her. Your lips meet her skin, tracing a line across her body, from her hips along her side up to her breasts. You pause when you feel the soft bump of her nipple slide under your lip, and take it into your mouth. You hear a sharp intake of breath, and her fingers twine into your hair. Your kisses move on to dot her chest, across up to her collarbone, shoulders, neck and her lips.

You find your hand running to her thigh, fingers tracing across her cold grey skin, the other going to her hip. You glance up to meet her gaze, and she gives you a quick, desperate nod in return, something shimmering in her eyes. You proceed, and your knuckles push up her skirt to reveal more of her form, more of her smooth grey legs.

You can see where this is headed, and pause for a moment. This is a particular threshold the two of you have not yet come to cross during your encounters. You’re suddenly reminded of your unfamiliarity with what to expect from troll anatomy. But seeing the vulnerable, desperate look in her eyes, hearing her sighs and feeling her skin warm under your touch only serves to reinforce how to you just much you want this. Before you can finish the thought, she’s already reaching to remove her red garment. While she fiddles with it, you slip off your trousers onto the floor, pulling your bare legs back onto the bed within a few moments. When you look back to her she’s begun to slip her skirt off, and you help her gently pull what remains of her modesty down her legs, falling away onto the floor to join the rest of your discarded clothes.

Her legs part for you, revealing her-. Oh. Woah. Hmm. You’re not entirely sure what you were expecting, but a tentacle was not it - though you can’t call it an unpleasant surprise. Perhaps she really _wasn’t_ going to mind about what you have down there anyway, if her species’ physiology is so androgynous.

It’s quite a bit larger than a penis, or longer at least, and jade-grey like her nipples. It’s also writhing half-out of her panties, having circumvented the garment, which doesn’t really seem like it’s made for this kind of thing. She extricates herself from her underwear, uncoiling the tendril - which had been beginning to wrap itself against the fabric - with her hand, and a slight groan.

“You look slightly surprised.” Kanaya says, a slight hint of worry in her voice. Oh dear, you’ve been so taken you hadn’t even thought about how your reaction had appeared.

“Perhaps, but as surprises go, it’s hardly unpleasant.” You smile lopsidedly, hand moving to her thigh. “Might I inquire about the correct troll nomenclature for this organ?”

“That would be my bulge.” She replies, her eyes wandering downwards as a jade blush spreads across her features.

“Hmm. It’s more than just a bulge, but, ah-” You tap your chin with your finger for a moment, before suggestively removing your hand from her thigh, tilting it towards her organ. “May I?”

“ _Please_.” Kanaya’s body arches forward as you reach your hand out to her, first probing it with your index finger, then a few more fingers, and finally wrapping your hand around the slick appendage, which reacts by coiling around your fingers seemingly autonomously.

It’s slick and wet under your grasp and writhes softly in your hand. You stroke it with your index finger from base to tip, eliciting a gasp and an “ _Oh, Rose-_ ” from Kanaya, indicating this is the correct course of action.

Her back arches and her bulge practically coils around your hand, wet and slithering. You lean over and press your lips to it at several points, finally taking the tip of it in your mouth. You hear Kanaya draw breath sharply, her hands tangling into your hair and clutching at your scalp. “ _Please_ keep doing that,” she mumble, wrapping her legs around you as you feel her bulge uncoil and squirm behind your lips.

It probes the inside of your mouth and throat, leaving you tasting the viscous, almost-bitter slime that it’s coated with. From the corner of your eyes you see Kanaya’s hands clutching the sheets, and you feel her trembling legs pressing against your sides. You part with it for a moment, sliding your lips off her bulge to catch your breath. Kanaya is barely muffling all sorts of noises with her hand, her mouth buried into her palm to keep herself quiet. She looks more vulnerable than you’ve ever seen her.

Your hand reaches down to stroke her bulge, which obligingly wraps itself around your fingers. While still working her tendril with one hand, you reach to gently remove her palm from her lips and lean forward to kiss her, making her shudder into you. Her bulge throbs in your palm. You lightly squeeze the appendage, kneading your fingers into it and probing its texture. It’s soft but firm, and slippery under your fingers due to the slick substance it seems to secrete. Kanaya responds to your touch by squirming against you, her toes curling and breath coming ragged. Finally, you pull back your lips from hers and disentangle your hand from her bulge, your fingers slick with her filmy jade. She quietly leans back on her elbows and watches as you slip your fingers into your mouth. You produce them clean a moment later.

She manages to regain her composure in a few moments, though a jade blush remains spread across her face as she smoothes her hair and fans herself with her hand. “That was very good, Rose.” She still looks positively flustered, and in no shape to retain her normal verbosity. “Allow me to, hmm-”

She leans forward over to you, kissing your shoulder and down your chest, along your hips and down to your legs, laying kisses into your bare thighs and leaving burning impressions on your skin. You groan into your palm, stroking her hair and running your finger down her back with the other hand, her lips playing across your body as you feel her fangs and teeth lightly nip against you. Her hand gently parts your legs and you her lips press into your inner thighs, prompting you to weakly wrap your legs around her. You start to feel like all of your limbs are jelly, a soft light tingling sensation pushing throughout you. Your hands slip onto her horns, a finger trailing along it’s length down to the base, your fingers digging into her scalp and soft hair.

 _Oh no._ She’s found your weakness, and so soon too; your very sensitive thighs. You don’t know why you have this predisposition, and you’re slightly embarrassed about it. She’s most definitely going to take advantage of this. After a few more moments of your thighs limply clenching around her, her kisses pressing into you, she pulls back. Her head cranes up towards your body, hooking the fabric of your underwear between her teeth.  

“Kanaya, please,” you say, giggling and lightly pushing her head away. “I think I can manage that myself.”

You pause before tugging off your underwear, but decide you’re here now and it’s not as if yours is even _that_ dissimilar to hers. You still suddenly feel very bashful when you’re aware you’re not wearing anything, you’re right next to Kanaya, and she isn’t either. You realise she’s been looking over you while you fret half-lying down, sitting there perched up on her knees next to you.

“Your bulge is quite adorable - it’s so small. And… human-looking.” There’s a slight giggle in those last few syllables, and her hand moves to rest on your thigh.

“My penis.” You correct her. “That’s, um, the part I shouldn’t really have. Biologically.” You play with your hair out of nervousness, eyes trailing downards.

“Oh, I see.” She moves her hand back, and rubs your shoulder gently, a look of concern playing over her face. “Are you not comfortable with that part, then?”

You shake your head, and she just smiles comfortingly. “That’s okay, Rose.” She leans forward and kisses you, pulling you to her, and you don’t think you’ve loved her quite this much before. You lose yourself in her for a moment, burying your face into her shoulder as she presses her lips to your collarbone. Her hand moves to your breast, cupping it in her hand and running her finger around your nipple. She moves her head back, coming around to meet your lips, and gently positions your chin upwards with her fingers, kissing you deeply.  

Prompted both from your own yieldedness and some gentle force from Kanaya, you find yourself falling away until you’re underneath her on the bed, her pressed against you. Her bulge is writhing against your chest as your bodies intertwine, leaving you streaked with her jade green fluid.

You stay like that for a time, practically plaited together, her tendril squirming pressed between you while her lips touch you all over. Soon however you find yourself rolling over for her, assuming the position of the little spoon. She curls around you, completing the gesture, face pressing into your hair. Her arm loops around your waist, roughly pulling you against her and onto her bulge, which coils against your buttocks. As her appendage presses into you, you moan semi-voluntarily and your head arches back against her chest, gasping.

“Did you like that?” She asks teasingly, her voice lilting higher with the question.

“Mmm.. Yes.” You mumble, burying your face into the sheets.

“Hmmm.” You can’t see her, but you hear something mischievous in her voice. “Is it okay if I do-” You feel her fingers snake into your hair, curling against your scalp and pulling gently, not hard enough to hurt, but forcefully enough so to tilt your head back towards her. “-this?”

“Yes, th-that’s okay.” You hadn’t pegged Kanaya for the type - though you can’t say you hadn’t hoped, and aren’t delighted. “Please,” you add.

She readjusts herself for a moment, wrapping her legs around your waist from behind, positioning herself for you. Then her fingers come back, threading through your hair, gripping tightly and - _fuck_ \- the sudden pain makes you yelp. She pulls your head back, exposing your neck and her lips and fangs are against your soft skin in an instant. There’s a sharp pain and you think she might have bitten you, but you’re too overwhelmed to care. You wouldn’t have expected Kanaya to ever be so aggressive but your submissive tendencies _are_ often hard to ignore, and her being like this makes your knees feel weak. You lean your hips backwards against her, feeling her soaked bulge writhe against your buttocks  & thighs as you press yourself to her. _You wonder what she’d feel like inside of you._

“Good girl-” she murmurs in your ear, her words being cut off by an involuntary sharp intake of breath as her bulge coils against your body and you feel her quiver all over.

Her hand glides onto your buttock, rubbing it gently at first then roughly squeezing your skin. “Would this be okay?” She whispers softly to you, her breath warm on your neck.

“Yeah, please.” You mumble, whimpering and pressing your face to the covers - the reaction apparently only encourages her.

You feel her nails dig in, and her hand moves away for a moment before coming back to hit you. _Fuck_ . She does it a few more times, and you’re definitely shaking hard all over now. _Harder, please_ \- you’re not sure if that was even vocalised, but judging by how sharp her next spank is it seems likely. Your vision is blurring and you’re crying into the sheets - she’s normally so sweet and caring but _fuck you love her like this._ You feel her biting up your shoulder and neck and you give in and let her completely do as she likes. Her hands reach around your chest and squeeze hard on your nipples, eliciting some kind of incoherent pleasure-induced groan from you. She rocks her hips forward against you, her bulge squirming between your thighs.

“Kanaya, please,” You almost try to bat her arms away, but her hand reaches down from your breasts to hold your wrists together - no getting away now. Her other hand moves to your mouth, slipping two of her thin, grey fingers between your lips and you take them eagerly. She shifts herself upwards against you, her bulge pressing against your back, writhing onto your buttocks as she - gently, caringly, but forcefully too - bites up your neck and shoulders.

She rolls you onto your back, and she’s on top of you now, your nipples between her lips. You feel her fangs and teeth against your skin, lightly and not-so-lightly biting at you. Your fingers tangle into her hair, gripping desperately as you squirm underneath her. She works her way up to your face, kissing you and gently brushing away your tears.

“Are you okay?” Her gaze has softened now, her finger underneath your chin positioning you to look into her eyes.

You manage to breathlessly mumble out a “Yeah,” and bury your face into her shoulder. She keeps you there for a moment, her hand on the back of your head stroking her hair comfortingly. She tilts your head up to hers, kissing you deeply and pulls back.

She breaks away, sitting up on her knees with you lying underneath her, your knees hitched up. Her hand reaches down to her bulge between her legs, her other hand gently parting your thighs and pulling you closer to her by your waist. “Rose, do you think I could-” You’re nodding already, hoping she’s thinking the same thing you are. “-Inside you?” she trails off.

“Mm, yes. Yeah, please.” You practically beg, completely helpless on your back underneath her.

She smirks, leaning forward until she’s on top of you with her rapid, desperate breath hot against your chest. You tilt your body towards her as she leans closer, and feel the tip of her bulge press against your skin, making you shiver. Her hand guides the length of her bulge inside you, and you rock your hips back against her as she pushes forward. Your hands clutch her hair, fingers digging into her scalp and you’re trembling.

“ _Oooh_.”

“Is that okay?” She asks breathlessly, gently pushing her hips forward as she slips fully inside you.

“Mmm. Yes, yes th-that’s good.” You practically whimper, already starting to feel your coherency leaving you. You tentatively press against her further, feeling her bulge start to throb and squirm inside you. _Oh god that feels good_. You find your legs semi-voluntarily wrapping themselves around her, pulling her closer into you.

She leans forward and kisses you roughly, her tongue pressing into your mouth. You bite her bottom lip as she pulls away, and her hands cup your breasts, fingernails flicking against your nipples. She shifts inside you and you cling to her, burying your face into her collarbone and muffling your groans into her body as she kisses you all over, her hands running through your hair.

You can feel her bulge swelling inside of you, filling you up. Your fingers dig into her hair and you find yourself squirming against the mattress. As you start to lose yourself, you become cognizant of her skin against yours, warm now despite her natural temperature. Her jade blood is coursing through her veins, and she’s alive right there and with you, so close to you, inside of you, within you; the thought gets you more turned on than anything else about this situation. The ache of her teeth against your skin - hurting only oh-so-lightly - jerks you back to reality. You feel her pulsing inside of you, completing you, making you whole.

She rocks her hips faster against yours and you keep pressing back into her. You’re not sure if this interspecies union is completely safe but, _oh god she feels so good inside you_ . Your mind turns into slush and you lose yourself, her name all over your mouth. Her face is buried into your neck and your arms are wrapped around her, your fingers digging into her back as she pushes into you. _Yes, yes please fuck don’t stop don’t stop keep going Kanaya oh god --_

You feel her hit something deep inside of you and it pushes you over the edge and - _fuck_ \- you throw your head back against the sheets.

_Oh god yes_

Your legs tighten around her, her bulge throbs hard within you, and finally you feel a gush of something thick and wet inside you. Oh dear, you’ve definitely just come onto your chest.

_Kanaya I love you so much_

Your heart is throbbing and fluttering and you’ve definitely been making a lot of noise and you’re not sure how much of that you’ve been shouting. You hadn’t realised you’d started crying, but your vision has blurred and you’re shaking all over now. The warmth of her skin pressed against yours brings you back to reality, and you’re reminded she’s right there, with you, holding you. Her lips are against yours and all over your neck and your shoulders and your breasts, and your body has completely surrendered to hers.

Suddenly she’s your lovely wonderful Kanaya again, and she’s kissing away your tears and telling you how wonderful you were. You’re still shuddering and quivering all over and every inch of you feels so sensitive like you might burst. You cry into her shoulder while you recover. _Shhh, Rose, it’s okay, I’m right here. Good girl, you were very good._ You press your face to her chest and she strokes your hair soothingly , telling her you love her probably a hundred times.  

She’s still recovering herself, the poor thing - audibly panting and gasping for breath, with her still close enough for you to feel the heat of her breathing against your skin. Strands of her hair are stuck to her face with sweat, and she looks positively dishevelled.

Eventually, you sink down onto the bed, on your back with her arms around you. For a while you just lie there, clinging to each other desperately. You glance over at her eventually, and she’s been quietly staring at you, her chin resting on your shoulder.

"You look pretty with your hair a mess like that.” She ventures, smiling like an idiot.

“Is my hair a mess? Oh dear. Who’s to blame for this, I wonder.” You purse your lips, reaching out and gently flicking her nose.

She giggles, patting your forehead and craning her head up to kiss you lightly. She buries her head into the dip of your collarbone, her hair soft against your skin. You lean your head against hers, angling yourself to avoid her horns, and run your hands over her shoulder.

For a time you simply rest there, eyes closed and wrapped around each other. The feeding bird on the windowsill from earlier has vanished, leaving only a peaceful silence in its wake. You can hear the faint sound of cars in the distance, the rustling of the leaves from behind the house, but the only sound in the world that matters to you right now is the gentle hum of her breathing, working in tandem with her chest rising and falling.

Eventually, one of you says something. “Would you like to travel the world? Like in that song.” She speaks in a soft, wistful voice, as though this is what’s been on her mind the whole time. “We could. Together.” she adds.

“I’d love to, Kanaya. Yes.” Your reply comes with little hesitation. You see a smile play across her lips, and she sighs happily.

Your hands reach out to one another simultaneously, meeting in the hollow formed between your bodies, and your fingers entwine together on the sheets.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fanfictiony thing I've written in a loooong time, and also my first stab at a lot of other stuff so let's hope it doesn't suck too bad.
> 
> Edited by fellow degenerate Nukkun (tysm you're the best)


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